Ways I Remember Steve

My daughter posted this picture of my brother, Steve, on her blog. It is such a picture of his heart. There is another picture that I have of him in my mind now that I wish I could post for you to see.

Since the funeral, pictures like this one, and others like it were replaced with Steve lying glassy-eyed in a hospital bed and then praying and watching as he took his last breath.

A few days ago I went to Columbia Theological Seminary to take a spiritual formation class in group spiritual guidance. I debated whether I should go, but after prayer felt that it would be good for my soul. So, with my good friend, Penny, I headed to Atlanta. Penny... I'm so thankful for such a wonderful friend.

When the class began we learned that unlike small or accountability groups that I'm familiar with, spiritual guidance groups concentrate on silence and listening to God, the vertical relationship, rather than the horizontal. In small groups in which I've been a member we tend to pray for one another and give advice or opinions. In these spiritual guidance groups, that were centered around scripture, we rather listen for God to speak to us. There is a facilitator in the group who keeps track of sharing time and helps to guide the time together. Each person has the opportunity to share and then prayer is offered for discernment. The goal is for God to give insight into the needs of each one and that questions, not advice or opinion, keep the group listening to what God might have to offer rather than on the group trying to fix one another's problems. For people who are prone to trying to fix things, this can be difficult. This is just a simple, brief overview - lots more than can be explained here.

But, I wanted to share a bit of my experience and what happened in my heart, and also offer a prayer of thanks for God speaking to me out of those times of shared silence.

The first scripture we read was from John 21:1-13. Jesus is on the beach at the Sea of Galilee after his resurrection. (When I was in Israel in 2000, I had the privilege of camping out at the Sea of Galilee and it was the place in all of Israel where I could most envision Jesus having actually walked.) There is a long night of fruitless fishing until Jesus, though they didn't know it was him, told them to cast their net on the other side of the boat and they pull in a huge catch. John recognizes Jesus, Peter puts on his clothes and jumps in the water, and then Jesus tells the disciples to come have breakfast and He serves the fish and the bread. I heard this scripture read aloud four times, with silence in between each reading. On the fourth reading the image came alive for me. I saw Jesus bending over a fire, cooking fish. Then Steve is walking down the shoreline, and he looks up, spreads out his arms and says, "I love it!" This is what Steve did when he vacationed at the beach with his family and this picture of his delight, intoxicated with awe and beauty, was captured on a family vacation to St. George Island a couple of years ago. Steve then walks over and sits down with Jesus and they both turn to me and smile. This image bathed my heart for several minutes, and this picture has replaced the one in my memory of Steve in the hospital bed.

The next day we read Acts 3:1-10. This is the account of the lame beggar outside the Temple. Peter and John walk by the man crippled from birth and the beggar asks the disciples for money. Peter and John look at the man and tell him "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." So, his feet and ankles become strong and he gets to his feet and begins walking and jumping and praising God. And they were filled with wonder and amazement.

Following the readings and silence, an image came to me first of my sweet little granddaughter, Autumn. She is four months old and smiles just burst from her sweet little face. What a happy baby! The words descended into my heart "God, the giver of life." And then Steve's face came to my mind and the words descended "God, the taker of life." And then the words went deep into my heart and soul, "The Lord gives, the Lord takes away, blessed be the Name of the Lord." After another period of silence, the scripture again came alive for me. I saw Steve, sick, outside the temple. I thought of and remembered the prayers so many had fervently prayed for his healing. We waited for healing with expectancy. And then I thought of the beggar. Lame from birth, he depended on alms to survive and expected alms from Peter and John. But he received something so much better. We had prayed that Steve would be healed this side of heaven. But he received something so much better. I saw Steve as the beggar, no longer hobbling from the large tumor in his hip, no longer struggling for breath, or being sick from the cancer and chemotherapy. I saw Steve rising, then standing, then leaping for joy. Then Steve turned and looked at me (Peter and John had told the beggar "Look at us!") and then he smiled, and waved as he turned and walked into the Temple and the door shut behind him. And again, peace bathed my heart.

God's word is active, and living, and powerful. And God used his word to heal my heart, soul, and mind. I will always miss Steve. There's nobody who knows and shares the history we have. But we have an amazing shared future. And it was so kind and gracious of God to give me these new images, better images, whole images - eternal images to replace the temporal ones.

And I'm thankful for this knowing that God is able to do more than I can think or imagine, if I will take the time to listen. God doesn't have to show me anything, but He chose to, out of his kindness and mercy. I realized through these days of group spiritual guidance how often I try to be in the place of God for other people. GOD IS GOD. I am still learning, and will until that day I see Jesus face to face, and the wholeness and healing that Steve has received become reality for me as well. I'm sure that I will still grieve and mourn, but there is a deeper knowing that gives me such peace. Peace that passes all human understanding is mine.

I also want to share the words of the song we began Steve's funeral service with. These words comfort my heart and "carry me far away..."

BEYOND THE SKY

ONE MORNING WHEN TIME IS DONE,
BRIGHT HEAVEN
WILL BE OUR REFUGE,
THE CITY OF GOD, MOST HIGH.

I LONG FOR THAT HOLY DAY
THIS LONGING,
SOMETIMES IT CAPTURES MY HEART,
AND CARRIES ME FAR AWAY.

BEYOND THE SKY,
BEYOND ALL TELLING,
OUR FATHER HIMSELF
WILL BE OUR LIGHT.
HIS ARMS WILL HOLD US
AND WITH HIS HAND,
HE'LL WIPE AWAY THE TEARS
THAT STAIN OUR EYES.

WHEN DARKNESS FALLS OVER ME
THIS PROMISE,
IT'S LIKE A FIRE INSIDE
BURNING THE DARK AWAY.
BEYOND THE SKY,
BEYOND ALL TELLING,
OUR FATHER HIMSELF
WILL BE OUR LIGHT.
HIS ARMS WILL HOLD US
AND WITH HIS HAND,
HE'LL WIPE AWAY THE TEARS
THAT STAIN OUR EYES.

-FERNANDO ORTEGA